Getting that stupid journal off my front page........too tired to do much else tonight. Been doing a lot of writing and am going to post that in the next few days--and by days I mean months knowing me. I don't know what I was trying to prove with that journal, but it's bullshit. I've had a more balanced life and it has rocked for the most part, but nothing has topped the extremes of both the highs and lows I felt back then. I'm hopeful for the future now though because I'm starting to come full circle and rise like the phoenix--endless possibilities. I've bore the cross of her wounded-love scars for too long because I felt like I had something to prove. Now, much like my actual scars, I'm honestly starting to accept them and not examining them in the mirror everyday like a model after an accident. I felt last night at this party that I was finally ready to starting trying to find love in the right places again and take care of myself. It feels good, although I don't think I'm strong enough to every stop fully loving and hating her. The happy medium of saying nothing has been a great escape, until tonight. I've wanted to post on her account for months because she's added 3 poems since last we spoke. I finally did tonight because I looked back at her old poetry and although the newer stuff just reminded me of how mad and scared and completely broken when things started sliding south, I read back at the good times. I really wish we'd hated each other for 2 years and then loved for the last 2 though and then stopped speaking. It's hard to look past the end to the beggining most of the time. I really felt grateful tonight for the wierdest reason too. I remember hating all the music she started liking in those 4 months or so after the summer when she was leaving. I hated everything she was doing because I was so mad that she thought I was so stupid and couldn't see what was going on. It really made me hate myself and become something I'm not. Looking back now, the one thing that actually ended up breaking us up was completely based only on wanting some control. I felt like she had complete control of me, my thoughts, my destiny, and I could tell that since we got to college she was leaving me and I so I made her hate me like I hated myself for not being able to be what my true loved wanted. Anyway, most specifically I remember hating elliott smith and jason mraz and I absolutely love them both--more so elliott smith, but anyway. It just struck me that I wouldn't even had exposure to them nearly so much without her. Obvisouly, from this rant, I'm not completely over everything, but that's ok. I'm really ready to start my life again.......it's been Sooo frustrating just sitting here in Billings being stuck because of this and driving myself absolutely mad--although I don't think some of that can be fixed. I really do think I lost a bit of sanity under all the stress when I came home for the first holiday and spent everyday alone....wanting her, or my friends, or someone and having nothing. It was hard. Anyway, instead of using this journal as my personal psychitrist, I will go, but I hope that my writing will attract some people here and this won't all be wasted typing because I know these things.